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How to
Ease The Stress On Children
When It's Time to Move...
Moving from one house to another is seldom easy and
never fun for anyone, and if the parents fail to plan
carefully, a move can be needlessly traumatic for the
children. If, on the other hand, parents deal with their
children’s concerns and needs thoughtfully, much of that
distress and discomfort can be avoided.
Children see moves differently than their parents do, and they
benefit much less from that change in their lifestyles, or so
it seems at the time. Most often, a change in houses or
communities heralds an important step forward for the adult
members of the family.
The family moves because Daddy or Mommy has a great new job or
a promotion in reward for years of hard work. They move
because financial success has allowed the purchase of a bigger
and nicer house in a more costly neighborhood. They move
because they can finally afford private bedrooms for each
child and perhaps a pool in the back yard.
In the 1990’s, mobile and hard striving people typically
live in a house for about four years and then move on as their
careers or fortunes allow. That short time span is only a
small percentage of the life-to-date for a 30- or 40-year-old,
and it includes almost all the years he or she can remember.
To a parent, this house may be only the place they have lived
recently. They think of it as a way station on the road of
life. To kids, however, it may be the only home they have ever
really known. This is their house, the place they feel safe
and comfortable and thoroughly at home.
A house is much more than a roof and walls to a child. It is
the center of his or her world. A move threatens to take that
sphere away and leave something totally strange in its place.
The familiar friends, schools, shops and theaters, the
streets, trees and parks - all will no longer exist for them.
Everything soon will be strange; they will live in someone
else’s world.
The impact of a move on a typical child starts about the time
he or she first hears that Daddy has accepted a promotion, and
often continues for about a year, until the new house becomes
home, and memories of the previous place fade.
It’s not usually necessary to announce this big change to
children immediately, although they must hear about it from
you before someone else breaks the news. Most teenagers see
themselves as adult members of the family, and will probably
feel they have been left out if they don’t hear everything
from the first day, but it is probably not a good idea to tell
toddlers and preschoolers until they have to know. There is no
point in making them worry far in advance.
SENSITIVITY
and PLANNING EASE The TRAUMA OF MOVING
Be sure to announce the move in a totally positive way. You
might say how proud you are that Daddy’s company has chosen
him out of many other employees to manage a new office in
Cleveland. Talk about what a beautiful city Cleveland is, how
good the schools are and how nice the people are.
Tell truthful but very positive stories about how nice the new
house will be, with particular emphasis on those features that
will be most important to your children.
If the new home is too far away to allow a visit by the entire
family after it has been selected, show the children pictures
of it from every angle. Videotape it, if you can. Emphasize
the positive views and be sure to include pictures of each
child’s new room. Try to name the house with some romantic
description like "Oak Hill" for the big trees and
the sloping lawn.
Sugar coating will help, but since children can quickly see
the negative sides of most situations, every parent must plan
to deal with their children’s worries, fears and sorrows.
The children will lose friends they may have known all their
lives. They will leave behind their sports teams, their clubs
and the dancing teachers. They will have to start over in a
new place, making friends, becoming accepted and fitting into
different groups.
Younger children need protection from fear of the unknown.
Listen carefully to their concerns, and respond quickly to
allay their apprehensions. It would be normal, for instance,
for a young child to worry that his or her toy box and shelf
of stuffed animals might be left behind. Find those anxieties
and correct them.
Probably the best tactic is to get the children actively
involved in the whole process. Don’t just promise to let
them decorate their own rooms, for example. Take them to the
paint store and let them bring home color swatches. Shop for
bed spreads and towels and carpets.
They must leave old friends behind, so find ways to make that
parting almost pleasant. Plan a going-away party and let them
invite their own guests. Take pictures of overdone and make a
photo album. If a child is old enough, send him or her out
with a roll of film in the camera and the assignment to
photograph the views they will want to remember.
Some relationships will be extremely difficult to break, and
these will demand careful, thoughtful, personalized planning
by both parents. How, for instance, do you move a 17-year-old
1,000 miles from her steady boyfriend?
SENSITIVITY
and PLANNING EASE The TRAUMA OF MOVING.
Expect that your children may be even more distressed after
the move than they were before it. The new house will not be
beautiful the night after the moving van leaves, or for months
after. The furniture won’t fit the rooms. The curtains
won’t be up, and every spot on the floor will be covered
with half-unpacked cartons. The children won’t know anyone
at school and, if you move during the summer, they may have
little opportunity to meet anyone their age.
You may be faced with many more problems in your new community
than they will, but remember that you can handle them more
easily than they can. They will need your help, and you should
plan to give them the support they need.
After the move, give each of them a long distance telephone
call allowance so they can keep in touch with the people back
home who matter the most to them. Buy a stack of picture
postcards that show positive views of your new community, and
encourage them to write good news messages to the friends and
relatives they left behind.
Make sure the children don’t vegetate in front of the
television. Get them outside, where neighbors pass by. Teach
them to meet people and make friends.
Encourage them to participate in as many school activities as
they can handle. Get them on sports teams and into clubs. And
remind them that their job is also to make grown-up friends
for you, too. Tell them that every kid they bring home has
parents who just might like to invite you to play golf on
Saturday mornings or go on a fishing trip Sunday afternoon.
If they -- and your -- aren’t making new friends fast
enough, throw a welcome-the-neighborhood party for yourselves
and invite all the adults and children on the block.
If serious emotional or attitudinal problems arise, however,
help is usually available and probably should be sought. Ask a
teacher for help. Consider professional counseling. Don’t
let a serious problem slide. It can get worse.
Remember that the newness will wear off. New friends will
become old friends and best friends. This new house may become
the family homestead the grandchildren will visit every
holiday season. There will be discomforts, but in the end,
everything will work out fine.
To further assist with this process I would be happy to send
you any information about the area of your choice that you
feel will help with this matter. Good luck and Best
Wishes.
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